It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything and I’ve generally had a lot going on with life. Some of it good, some of it not as good, but all of it has been an adventure in terms of the all of the glimpses I get to see into my soul.
So, I thought I’d tackle a lightweight topic such as, oh, say, living in truth. Huh? Isn’t that what we’re all taught as young people that we are to do? Isn’t that expected of us all? In school we learn of the icons such as George Washington who could not tell a lie, Honest Abe and all the other historical (or is that hysterical?) paragons of virtue. Did we learn anything? Did we understand? “Honesty is the best policy.” What does that really mean? Maybe what we really understood was that to tell the truth very often was exactly what landed us in deepest kind of trouble with our parents, teachers, and friends. Perhaps that was the only take-home message our young minds could really absorb and attach to our small world of reality.
Having the opportunity to attend a small, private, Judeo-Christian school I learned at the knee of the many Biblical stories and teachings that purity and honesty is a virtue worth working to attain. Then, at some point someone tells you that there’s a very simple difference between telling a “white” lie vs. an outright lie and that a white lie is okay and some situations warrant it. Oh, so there’s a level to lying that is acceptable, right? Well, no, not really would be the response and that was the end of that discussion (note to women…if you don’t want to hear the truth when you ask “does this outfit make my butt look big” then maybe we’re best advised not to ask the question…ya think?).
My thoughts have drifted to living in your own truth as a result of a brief conversation I had with a friend recently. The discussion started with the sharing of information of two people who slept together and both parties are married to other people. My surprise at these type of circumstances is not in the breaking of promises and marriage vows and I immediately turn to thoughts of how many lies, how much deception or omissions of truth had to be told to accomplish having sex outside of the marital bed. What sort of honesty of feelings and emotions can really be accomplished after there is a break in trust – even if the other person doesn’t really “know” that it happened? We know. We always know and often on a such a deep level that we don’t even want to admit to ourselves.
I have a very basic and simple life premise in that I believe that if someone is willing to lie about small things, eventually, the lies will turn to the larger issues in life. It’s a slippery slope we all live on and most often once you become comfortable with small occasional lies for whatever reason things can and will eventually escalate to becoming comfortable with living a covert life filled with deceptions, half-truths, and putting a spin on the truth to better manage any given situation. I have some life experience that supports my theory with people who have been less than forthcoming; showed that little ethical thought was put into making their decisions; did not concern themselves with anything other than what they wanted in a moment’s time; and lived so covertly that they had to be exhausted trying to keep up with all the lies. There is deep hurt that can be experienced by betrayal after trust, broken promises, and discarded agreements.
A very strong WWII special unit Marine raised me and you simply do not live outside the “code” and giving someone your “word” was sacred. It’s how I was taught to live life, expected to live life, and I was failing miserably and I didn’t even know it.
Many years ago after a series of failed life circumstances I became very still and very centered and took some long, hard looks at myself to figure out what was going on. What I discovered was a different type of lying was happening and it was of the most devastating kind. At my core, I was not living in my own integrity and honesty. Was I telling outright lies to people? No. Was I lying to get myself out of situations that would have led to serious consequences? No way. Was I hurting anyone by not being honest? Yes, I was hurting myself exponentially and I wasn’t even aware I was doing it.
See, I was a chameleon. And I was good at it…very, very good. I could be whatever and whoever anyone wanted me to be. I could morph and change as necessary and at the drop of a hat or in my case, at the mere mention that I was not being a perfect _________________ (fill in the blank, the options are too numerous to list here). And I excelled at being everyone but myself. I excelled at covering up the fact that I did not think I was good enough…at anything and especially I was not good enough at being me. And I was tired. I was so, so, tired and once I had the epiphany of what I was doing, I knew immediate change was at hand.
As a caveat, there are some other more esoteric and spiritual reasons that I had put up the walls of self protection from a very early age and those of you who know me well will understand what I am talking about even if I am unwilling to have full disclosure in a public forum at this time.
However, I would love to tell you that this particular change was easy for me and that it would be easy for anyone to manage but sadly, that would be a lie. It was difficult and for the very simple reason that I had no conscious idea of whom I really was nor what I had to offer to anyone, let alone myself. I was diligent at the internal work that I knew must happen but it was very challenging as most self-examination is.
And then one day the pendulum took a hard swing. I went from a total pleaser and “yes” girl to someone who didn’t give the slightest damn in the world what anyone thought of her. I didn’t care if I was well liked or respected and I went about my business and my life with the finesse of a bull in a china closet (a favorite expression from my family). To say that I acted like a ball wrecker trying to take down a building would be putting it mildly. Just force yourself and it will all be okay in the end, right? Wrong! And here’s the rub; I really did care what people thought of me but had no idea of where my feminine internal balance was on my road to self-discovery or how to be the person I knew that I could become.
I still have some challenges in finding my balance between the assertive business person who does what it takes to get the job done and the soft, loving woman who is nothing more than a gooey marshmallow on the inside oozing all sorts of surgery goodness on the world.
I can happily say that today I am confident of who I am in addition to my strengths and my weaknesses. I have been able to find balance and on really good days it all works for me. On the not-so-good days I trudge through the time questioning myself and wondering, out loud sometimes, if I seriously have any talents to offer the world. I know I am still learning and oddly enough, I still silently question the sanity of anyone who thinks I am smart, capable, and can do anything I put my mind to. Ah, yes…definitely a work in progress!
Some days I am seriously just waiting for everyone to discover I’m all about the smoke and mirrors. But, until that day comes I will continue to happily and confidently lead myself down the path of living life within my own honesty, with integrity, and showing honor and respect to not only myself but also to those around me. And even on bad days, everyone deserves respect on one level or another.
And giving myself that gift means that I get to pass it on; I get to pay it forward. I get to pass it on to everyone in my circle no matter how large or small that circle may be on any given day and in any given moment in time. And that’s happy, and that’s balance, and that’s living the best honest life that I can have.
